The incorrigible braggart

For the past month and a half, I’ve been terribly occupied. Spent the first part tearing my hair out in frustration, dilemma, confusion, and plain anxiety of whether or not I’ll make it to my fave B-schools; midddle part, getting the results, jumping up and down(but not much, due to some ‘weight’y issues) on getting 4 admits; and finally, the last few days, gloating and bragging and literally making life hell for my parents. But I was smart enough to stop my tantrums exactly a half day before they were about to disown me (I’d overheard them discuss how they’d had enough of my being spoilt and how they should secretly throw me outta the house the next day). 

For almost 24 years of my life I’d been this self-confessed modest person who was so modest that even a ‘compliment’ like “wow, you look very human-like today!” would make me turn red with embarrassment. But suddenly, one day when I was done jumping up and down like a fat baby kangaroo, and decided to rest, this some unknown emotion burst forth from an unknown corner inside of me like a volcano, and the brag-o-lava hasn’t stopped flowing since. The power of my eyes changed, and now everyone around me looks to me like a fool. 

Scene 1:

(Mom trying to learn sending e-mails)

Beatnik: Gosh ma.. you’re such a slow coach! To think you’re a future MBAs mom.. learn faster!!

Scene 2:

(Dad reading matrimonial page in the newspaper(for my bro, duh!))

Beatnik: Jeez.. what the heck are you reading dad! Did you read the business news today? 

Scene 3: 

Beatnik (to both parents)- I think I should go for a 2 month foren tour, you know, to free my mind of all the IT codes and IT lingo and IT everything. I need to clear my memory of all the past sanskrits, histories, geographies, engineering and cobol crap that I’ve accumulated over the past years. Then, and only then, I’ll be able to spend the next 2 most important years of my life, racking my brains over the kinds of issues that you guys can’t even think of. So, in short, I need 2 lakh rupees, pronto.

At this precise moment, something hard like a folded newspaper hit my head and before fading out, I saw my mom fuming and foaming at the mouth, standing right above me, waiting to smack me again in case I was still conscious. So much for a being a future MBA.

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Arbit news 1: I’m gonna take up this year’s Script Frenzy challenge to make up for last year’s Nano wimping out.

Arbit news 2: I threw a treat for all my girls, friends of more than 6 years, and was almost stood up by them till 4 kindly souls turned up after an hour and half. The bill totalled to 1000/-, a new low for a party of 5 at one of the poshest restaurants in city.

Arbit news 3: I’m so tired of the monotony in my life right now that I’m visiting dentists, asking them to find cavities in my teeth and visiting eye-docs, asking them if they can dilute my retina and do a retina check since I don’t feel so good about my eyes any more. When I got an ‘OK’ from both the departments, I was actually disappointed.

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You know you’ve had Southpark overdose and turned Cartman fanatic when-

1) Your conversations have a generous dose of ‘dood'(When speaking formally, it starts with ‘dude’), ‘lame’, ‘sweet’, ‘weak/super weak’.
2) The conversation with your father goes like this:

You: Dood.. sorry, dad.. I need cash.
Dad: But beta, I transferred half my salary of this month already to your account. At this rate, we(your mom and me) will be on road, and you’ll still be after me to sell my torn blanket and my money collector bowl to pay for your shopping. What are you doing with your own salary anyway?
You: But daaaaaaaaad(tone imitating of Cartman’s ‘but muuuuuuuuuuum’).. my salary is so less! The morons hardly pay me enough to get a couple of manicures every month. And what with the rising prices of oil and everything, you don’t expect me to take care of my own expenses anymore(at which, you pause for a second, hoping your dad never notices the blunder you just made) on my own, do you? Dood, I’m totally seriously, that’s just so lame!
Dad: Okay, okay, fine, I’ll break my FD’s tomorrow and send you whatever I can, leaving aside enough for food expenses for your mom and me.
You: Sweet!

3) You suddenly find yourself big-boned, as opposed to ‘fat’.
4) You resent the fact that you’re not a guy simply because you can’t technically say, ‘you’re breaking my balls, mister’, while negotiating with the vegetable seller.
5) You hopelessly try and find a Jew friend to pick on. That you’re not a Christian doesn’t make any difference.
6) You end up saying ‘screw you guys, I’m goin home!’ to your roomie after a disagreement, inspite of sitting in your own room while saying this.
7) You decide to replace your Facebook profile photo with that of Cartman’s.
8) You go to the extent of comparing The Joker with Cartman, and can’t decide who wins! (this is very serious!)
9) You write a post on how much you love Cartman at 4:30 in the morning.
10) You try fervently to write a valid 10th point here. The fact that you tried matters more than your failure to do so.

I’m totally seriously you guys, if you can relate to even 5 of the above 10 points, you need a South Park break.